FourNine Marketing

Founder

Visualsoft Ltd

Content and PR Director

Ripe Thinking Limited

Content Manager

Senior Content Executive

Content Executive

Barrett Dixon Bell

Account Executive

Refresh PR

Senior Account Executive

AD Group

PR and Communications Executive

The Bolton News

Reporter

Mancunian Matters

Trainee Journalist

Southport Visitor

I went to a burger restaurant a while ago. A new place that's opened up in Southport, a coastal town about 15 miles north of where I live.

When I walked in, there was a bar area immediately on the right featuring a load of fairly orthodox beers on tap. 

But mysteriously, next to the bar, on a ledge, was a collection of random taps featuring brands from all over the world. 

You could only see half of the taps — the spouts weren't visible. 

I saw brands like Cruzcampo and Las Iguanas. My eyes lit up.

They were different. They were memorable. They were appealing.

(I like Cruzcampo, ok? Don't judge. And stay with me.)

When the waitress came over to ask what drinks my mate and I wanted, I asked her, 'Are those taps the other beers you've got or are they just for show?', to which she replied 'They're just for show, sorry, haha — these are the actual beers we've got'. 

She pointed to a series of photographs on the menu. 

I scowled slightly. 

The selection was comparatively disappointing. I reluctantly opted for a Corona.

I drove 15 miles, so I could only have one beer, and that beer was a Corona. 

I mean, I got to see my friend, which was great and all.

But when you've seen riches, you can't live with being poor.

Anyway, why am I telling you this?

Because this story is also about you. 

You're the poor person who has to take what they can get if you've cut corners with your website up 'til now.

You thought you could fool people by throwing a few inane, unimaginative, and grammatically inconsistent sentences together yourself. 

Nuh-uh. Sorry.

By the way, your would-be clients are poor people too — the poor people whose eyes have to endure the limits of your creativity.

Ok, they get the Corona. It does the job, after all. 

But, given the choice, they'd have most likely opted for something different.

Something that would've taken them on a spiritual and emotional journey and persuaded them, right there and then, to invest in you.

You're leaving thousands of pounds on the table by having shit copy on your website.

Don't be the Corona.

Give me a seat at the table and you'll convert clients with a nice cold metaphorical Cruzcampo (from the tap, as it's distinctly average from out of the can). 

And with the money my copy makes you, maybe you'll be drinking some obscure 8% Belgian beer out of a large chalice.

Are you salivating yet?

Let's get to work.

Sometimes, I wonder if being self-employed is for me.

Then I remember walking ten minutes in ice, snow, and rain to my £16k/year journalism job (because reporters weren't allowed to park in the multi-storey car park) and having to sit in an office that looked like it hadn't been renovated in 50 years, and I think to myself...

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

(If I get over 20 likes, I'm making this into a weekly series.)

Neil Robertson

You hate writing about yourself. I love writing about you. Let’s work together.

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