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Raphael Buck

Change your state, change your life. 
How to not miss your penalty shots in life.
  
Same moment. Different state. Different destiny.
 
You can often predict whether a player will miss or score 
a penalty before the ball is kicked just by the walk.
 
Player 1  
Shoulders tense. Jaw tight.  
Focus: “Don’t miss.”  
Meaning: “If I fail, I let everyone down.”  
The body contracts. The shot hesitates.  
Often miss.
 
Player 2  
Body loose. Breathe steady.  
Focus: “Pick the corner.”  
Meaning: “This is my moment.”  
The body expands. The movement flows.  
Often goal.
 
Same distance. Same pressure.  
Different state. Different result.
 
 
WHAT IS A STATE?

The concept popularized by Tony Robbins is simple:
State is the combination of three elements:

1. Physiology  
Posture, breathing, movement. 
The body influences the mind.

2. Focus  
What you pay attention to. 
Threat or opportunity.

3. Meaning  
The story you assign. 
Failure or training.

Physiology shapes focus.  
Focus shapes meaning.  
Meaning drives action.  
Action drives results.

  
WHY it matters
 
Decisions Improve  
Emotional state influences risk perception 
(Lerner et al., 2015). 
 
Energy Drives Execution  
Performance follows physiological activation. 
(Jamieson et al. 2010)
 
Identity Is Reinforced  
Repeated emotional states shape self-perception
(Damasio, 1994).
  
  
WHAT actions to take 
  
1. Activate Your Body
  
Before important conversations or decisions: 
move. Stand tall. Deepen your breathing. 
Elevate intensity for 60–120 seconds.
Body leads mind
  
2. Direct Your Focus
  
Ask better questions.  
Not: “Why is this difficult?”  
But: “What is the opportunity here?”  
Focus creates feeling
  
3. Reframe Meaning
  
Events are neutral. Interpretation is not.  
Replace “This is a problem” with “This is training.”  
Meaning shapes reality
  
4. Interrupt Fast
  
When you feel contraction, catch it early. 
Stand up. Walk. Reset breathing. 
Disrupt the loop
  
5. Create Rituals
  
Elite performers anchor peak states through routines: 
music, movement, visualization, breath. 
Build your own pre-performance ritual.
Ritual creates reliability
  

FINAL thought
  
Circumstances are rarely under your control.
Your physiology is.  Your focus is.  Your meaning is.


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Design a life that works for you 🔥
Raphael

Change Your State - Change Your Life

First Principles - Relationships. 
Why great relationships are not about you but about the other person and what you build together.

Lady Randolph Churchill, Winston Churchill’s mother, 
once attended two dinners with 
two different British prime ministers.

After the first dinner she remarked:
"When I left the table, 
 I thought he was the most brilliant man in England."

After the second dinner she said:
"When I left the table, 
I thought I was the most brilliant woman in England."

The first man impressed her.
The second man made her feel valued.

Great relationships when 
others feel seen, valued, and understood.

 
WHY it matters

Happiness
Quality relationships are the strongest 
predictor of long-term happiness 
(Waldinger & Schulz, 2023).

Health
Strong relationships significantly increase 
longevity and physical health
(Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010).

Resilience
Supportive relationships buffer stress and 
improve psychological resilience 
(Cohen & Wills, 1985).

 
WHAT actions to take

Five First Principles on Relationships

1. Trust
Trust grows through reliability and psychological safety. 
Keep your word, be consistent, listen without judgment,
and assume positive intent. 
Principle: Create psychological safety.

2. Understanding
Seek to truly understand the other person’s perspective, 
emotions, and aspirations. Ask thoughtful questions, 
listen carefully, and show genuine curiosity. 
Principle: Seek to understand first.

3. Appreciation
Express appreciation regularly. Notice small efforts, 
acknowledge strengths, and say thank you often. 
Principle: Show sincere appreciation.

4. Shared Meaning
Build experiences, rituals, and goals together. 
Travel, traditions, family habits, and common 
projects create shared memories and direction. 
Principle: Build something together.

5. Repair
Conflict is inevitable. What matters is repairing 
quickly. Apologize early, lower tension, and focus on
understanding rather than winning. 
Principle: Repair quickly.


FINAL thought

The secret of great relationships is surprisingly simple:
Make the other person feel bigger.
As writer Maya Angelou famously said:

“People will forget what you said, people will forget 
what you did, but people will never forget 
how you made them feel.”

Design a life that works for you 🔥

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Raphael

First Principles - Relationships

Be a Free Spirit. 
Live by choice, not convention.

I find it fascinating what drives people 
to live their lives as they do.

There are countless explicit and implicit conventions 
about what a successful career looks like, 
what defines a great relationship, how to raise a family, 
and how to live healthily.

Many follow conventions without ever challenging them. 
They climb a ladder they never placed. 
They follow a script they did not write.

A free spirit is different.
“A free spirit is someone who is internally free enough 
to choose their life deliberately and 
brave enough to accept the consequences.”


WHY it matters

Agency
A free spirit strengthens agency 
Higher perceived control increases motivation, 
persistence, and performance under uncertainty 
(Bandura, 1997).

Coherence with What Matters
Living by chosen values increases coherence. 
When behavior aligns with intrinsic goals, well-being and 
sustained motivation rise significantly 
(Deci & Ryan, 2000).

Flexibility & Resilience
Detachment from rigid identity increases adaptability. 
Psychological flexibility improves resilience
(Kashdan & Rottenberg, 2010).


WHAT to do

1. Awareness & Detachment
List the conventions shaping your career, relationships, 
money, and health. Question each: 
Did I choose this or inherit it?
Principle: See the script

2. Curiosity
Expose yourself to alternative models of success 
and living. Read outside your field. Seek opposing views. 
Curiosity expands possibilities. 
Principle: Expand the frame

3. North Star
Define your core values, long-term ambition, 
and non-negotiables. 
Write a one-page personal constitution. 
Freedom requires direction, not drift. 
Principle: Choose your direction

4. Courage
Act in alignment even when approval declines. 
Make one visible decision that optimizes for meaning 
over optics this year. 
Freedom requires tolerating friction. 
Principle: Accept the cost

5. Discipline
Build systems that protect your autonomy: 
health routines, financial runway, deep work blocks. 
Discipline sustains freedom over time. 
Principle: Protect your freedom
 

FINAL thought
Being a free spirit is not about rebellion. 
It is about authorship.
Not escaping structure but choosing it. 
Not rejecting responsibility but owning it.

“The privilege of a lifetime is to become 
who you truly are.” Carl Jung

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Raphael

Be A Free Spirit

Either / Or:  How to make major life decisions?
A simple question provides the right path. 

Major life decisions. Everyone faces them.  
Do I pursue this career or that career?  
Do I stay in my current job or change?  
Do I engage with this partner or another?  
Do I commit to the relationship?  
Should we get married?  
Should we have children?
  
All of these are major life decisions.
  
Some decisions feel clear; 
Others are far less obvious.  
Because they offer different paths.  
They involve trade-offs. 
Those choices can lead to regret
The regret of an alternative life.
  
I recently came across a beautifully 
simple question for navigating such choices.  
It comes from Søren Kierkegaard in Either/Or:
  
“𝗢𝗻 𝗺𝗮𝗷𝗼𝗿 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗶𝗰𝗲𝘀, 𝗰𝗵𝗼𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘀 
𝘄𝗵𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝗴𝗿𝗲𝘁𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻𝗻𝗼𝘁 𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵.”
  
 
WHY it matters
  
Clarity
Focusing on intolerable regret simplifies 
complex choices by revealing what truly matters, 
reducing cognitive overload and indecision 
(Iyengar & Lepper, 2000).
  
Commitment
Decisions aligned with deeply held values 
create stronger motivation and persistence  
(Self-Determination Theory; Deci & Ryan, 2000).
  
Life Satisfaction
People who make decisions consistent with 
intrinsic priorities report higher long-term 
life satisfaction and lower regret 
(Schwartz et al., 2002).
  

WHAT to do 
  
1. Imagine Both Futures
Visualize both life paths in vivid detail
career, relationships, daily life, identity. 
Notice which imagined future creates 
deeper excitement or discomfort.
 
2. Identify the Regret
 Ask: ten years from now, which missed path 
would create the heavier regret? 
Regret reveals priorities
  
3. Remove Perfection
Accept that no choice eliminates trade-offs. 
Every meaningful path sacrifices another possibility. 
Life is trade-offs
  
4. Follow Aliveness
Notice which option feels more alive, meaningful, 
or expansive, even if it is harder or riskier. 
Growth usually lives there. 
Energy signals direction
  
5. Commit Fully
Once chosen, stop revisiting the alternative path. 
Invest your energy fully in building the life you selected.
Commitment creates meaning
  

FINAL thought
  
“Life can only be understood backwards; 
but it must be lived forwards.” Søren Kierkegaard
  
  
Design a life that works for you 🔥

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Raphael

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Either / Or - Life Decisions

Is your team losing great people? Are your best leaders totally burned out?

You're not broken.
Your system is.

High turnover is not just an HR problem. It is a culture problem.

I fix this. I help companies keep their people and help leaders get their energy back.

My clients discover how to:
✔ Build cultures where people want to stay and grow
✔ Turn daily conversations into engagement tools
✔ Lead with energy, empathy, and accountability
✔ Create measurable improvements in retention, quality, and patient experience

My Story:

Growing up, I kept hearing the same thing: "I hate my job."

I decided I would never feel that way. I would only do work that fascinated me. That's why I became a psychologist.

I am driven by one question: What makes people high performers? I coach leaders to clear their mind blocks and beat burnout.

It all connects to retention. I don't just treat burnout; I help companies stop it before it starts. I help you build a workplace where everyone is excited to stay and succeed.

How I Can Help You:

I teach your leaders a proven system called The Performance Habit.

This system gives your leaders 5 simple things to do every day to make your culture better. When leaders use these habits, teams are happier, performance goes up, and people stop quitting.

I can bring this method to your company or coach you personally.

Ready to Take the Next Step?

1️⃣ For Decision Makers: Do you want to know if your team is at risk for leaving? Find out here: https://retentionrisk.scoreapp.com/

 2️⃣ For Leaders: Curious what is draining your energy? Take my free Executive Burnout Quiz: https://executiveenergy.scoreapp.com

 3️⃣ For Meeting Planners: Need a keynote speaker to inspire your team? Book a time to talk about your next event: https://drsharongrossman.com/bookme

 4️⃣  For Free Tips: Get weekly leadership advice in my Executive Edge Newsletter: https://drsharongrossman.com/newsletter/

Sharon Grossman

You're chasing productivity by burning through people.

You're losing 3+ months of productivity to save it.

You're creating the exact problem you're trying to solve.

It's the workplace version of "Give a Kid a Pancake."

One decision cascades into chaos.

Your strategy looks like this:
→ Extract maximum value from employees
→ Work them until they burn out
→ Replace them when they leave

But here's what actually happens:

Sarah quits.

→ You post her job for 2 weeks
→ You interview candidates for 3 weeks  
→ You finally hire someone
→ They need 4 weeks of training
→ They need 12 weeks to hit Sarah's productivity
→ The team covers Sarah's work for 21 weeks
→ Everyone gets overwhelmed
→ Mike quits
→ The cycle starts again

The math is brutal:

21 weeks of reduced productivity.
Per person.
Who leaves.

You thought you were maximizing efficiency.

You were actually destroying it.

Companies spend $15,000 replacing people they could have retained for $1,500.

They lose months of productivity chasing short-term gains.

They burn out entire teams trying to squeeze more from individuals.

The solution isn't complicated:

Keep your people longer.
Invest in retention, not replacement.
Think beyond this quarter.

One retained employee is worth three replacements.

Stop feeding the cascade.

If you're looking for an employee retention strategy that actually works, bring me in to speak at your next conference. 

In the meantime, grab a copy of my book: Don't Buy Their Lunch, Buy their Loyalty: https://amzn.to/4lc2BFl

___

👋 Hi, I'm Dr. Sharon Grossman Grossman! I help organizations reduce turnover.
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Dr. Sharon Grossman

TEDx & Global Keynote Speaker 🎤 | Burnout & Retention Expert | Author of *Don’t Buy Their Lunch, Buy Their Loyalty*

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